


everyone loves my sister more than me

by weatheredlaw



Series: fafsa is proof that god hates you [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, F/M, M/M, Shepard Twins, Sibling Rivalry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-15
Updated: 2014-12-15
Packaged: 2018-03-01 13:19:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2774453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weatheredlaw/pseuds/weatheredlaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i> John and Jane grew up in opposites, and all the while everyone tried to make them the same.</i> </p><p>or: Kaidan meets John's illusive twin, Jane, and things only get worse from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	everyone loves my sister more than me

**Author's Note:**

> Continuation of the Garrus/Tali college AU, this time with twins and twin headcanons and twin feels and yeah my life is p much shepard twins so.

"Do they have Chipotle in Canada?"

"What?" Kaidan looks up from his laptop to the couch, where John is stretched out, long legs tossed over the side, phone in hand. "We ate _two hours_ ago. You cannot be hungry."

"I'm always hungry," he mutters, waving his phone. "Settling a bet. Garrus says no."

"I have no idea," Kaidan says dryly, mostly because he isn't interested in settling bets between John and Garrus. It usually ends in someone spending the night puking in his bathroom. Almost always Garrus. It's his own fault, really -- he should know better than to bet against John.

"Garrus says no. But Garrus hates Chipotle, so I think he's just betting against it on principle. We could _get_ Chipotle. Later," he adds quickly. Kaidan shakes his head and flips through a notebook, adding a couple citations to the end of his paper. "Can you stop working for two seconds?"

"Technically, I just did."

"Technically, you're an ass. It's Thursday."

Kaidan leans back in his chair. "There is nothing special about Thursday."

"Sure there is. There's probably a special soup at Applebee's today. It's the day _before_ Friday, making it an all around better day than most of the others. Especially Sunday."

"You're being weird. Weirder than normal."

John tosses his phone onto the coffee table dramatically. "My sister is in town. She wants to go to dinner." 

Kaidan has heard John mention his sister approximately two times before this, so in all fairness, it does spark his attention, just a bit. He takes the bait and shuts his computer, leaning forward over the table. "Your tone worries me."

"She's just smarter than me, and more successful than me, and five minutes older than me. Better looking than me, too. Her boyfriend is less cool than mine, though. But I'm just assuming that, I haven't met him."

"Charming." Kaidan gets up, and crosses the living room. John is sprawled out on the sofa like a Georgia belle in the middle of the summer, button down riding up over the spike of his hip, arms tossed dramatically behind his head. "Would you rather we stay in?"

"No. She'll be mean about it later."

"She doesn't seem mean."

"She isn't," John admits. "But she can be, when she wants to." 

Kaidan gets down on his knees, level with John's face, reaching out to thread their fingers together. "You're kind of being a baby."

"I thought that was part of my allure."

"Not especially." 

John huffs and wiggles his hand out of Kaidan's grip. "She'll want to go somewhere expensive."

Kaidan shrugs. "Then I guess she can pay for it."

John sits up, grinning wide. "I really _do_ love you."

"I know."

 

 

 

Kaidan should have learned a long time ago not to trust John with location names, or general place descriptions. They show up at a Brazillian steakhouse in flannel and jeans and it's only by the grace of God and Jane Shepard that they don't get kicked out. 

"I'm _so_ sorry--"

Jane waves a hand. "Let's blame my brother and get over it. Sound good?"

"No," John says. "That sounds like the worst. Why are you doing this?"

"I like that idea," Kaidan says, and takes a seat.

John shakes his head. "Unbelievable. How are you already on her side? Why is this happening?"

"John, this is Thane." 

"I'm sorry, _who_?" 

Kaidan realizes he's completely missed the man sitting next to Jane. He stretches out a long arm, takes John's extended hand, and smiles thinly. He seems important and patient, and Kaidan wonders if that's just who he is, or if he's incredibly nervous. He doesn't look it.

"Thane Krios," he says. It's probably the most he's said in an hour. Maybe. Kaidan is terrible at reading people who aren't John and people who aren't as expressive as John. 

"Thane's studying law at Georgetown."

"Is he?" John grins. "That's really great." Thane raises an eyebrow and takes a long drink from his water glass. "Are you doing that now, too, Janey? Studying law, like, on the side or something? Looking to expand on your list of hobbies?"

"We met through a mutual friend."

"This sounds really exciting."

"It isn't," Jane says, cutting him off. She seems adept at doing that before John can get too out of hand. "Kaidan. John says you study plants."

"Yes, ma'am. I do." Did he call her ma'am? He definitely called her ma'am. It's very difficult for him to imagine John being this woman's _twin_ at this stage in the evening. He can only picture it getting worse from here, and quickly flags down the waiter to order a beer. 

"We were going to get a bottle of wine," Jane offers.

John laughs. "Kaidan hates wine. It isn't good for his woodsy sensibilities. But I'd love some." 

"If you behave."

"You can't withhold alcohol from me, I'm an _adult_."

"Says you," Kaidan mutters, and Jane laughs.

"Okay. I _like_ this one."

 

 

 

"I met Jane last year at Thanksgiving." Garrus leans back in his desk chair, stretching his legs out in front of him. The girl in the next row throws him a look and moves over. Much to Garrus's dismay, his ornithology coursework for the semester crosses over with some of Kaidan's environmental protection lectures. Garrus doesn't really care for trees. "Well I saw her in passing. The Shepard clan is a little nebulous. There's a lot of them."

"John doesn't mention them."

"To be fair, they all seem a little...country. And very white. I was the only brown person there."

"She was nice."

"She seemed aloof, but I was a little drunk. I _did_ mention I was the only brown person there, didn't I?"

"You did, and you have, several times. I've heard this story before. Just not the part about you seeing John's _twin_ from a distance. She didn't even say hi?"

"Not to me." Garrus flips through a few pages in his textbook. "Jesus, how do you do this _tree_ shit all the time?"

"You study birds. What part of that isn't about trees?"

"Okay, when birds start counting tree rings, I'll be sure to let you know. Look, nesting is--"

Kaidan groans. "Please. Do _not_ lecture me about _nesting_ , Vakarian." He pulls out his phone and shows Garrus an address. "Do you know this place?"

"Yeah, it's some kind of bistro. Tali wants to go there, it's apparently pretty gluten-free friendly. Why?"

"Come with us tonight. Jane and her boyfriend are buying all weekend."

Garrus shrugs. "Maybe."

"The two of you cannot spend every Friday night playing video games. It's unseemly for a couple as attractive as you are."

"I love your underhanded comments. They're so God damn _Canadian._ " Garrus snatches the phone away and copies down the address. "I will _ask_ her if she wants to go. I won't make any promises." 

 

 

 

 **tali:** ignore garrus we'd love to go to dinner  
 **kaidan:** i usually ignore garrus

 

 

 

From where Kaidan is sitting, he estimates that it takes a grand total of twelve seconds for Garrus and Tali to fall madly in love with Jane Shepard. And maybe vice versa. The first words out of Jane's mouth are, "God you two are pretty," as she shakes their hands. 

"Can you maybe not?" John asks, slouching next to her. Thane is apparently at a meeting across town with some firm, which John interprets as an interview and subsequently proceeds to pout for most of the evening. He's only complained to Kaidan that the two of them might move here fifty times or so in the past day. Whatever his reasoning behind the upset, though, Kaidan doesn't know. Every so often, John becomes completely indecipherable, and Kaidan has to make do with what he can.

"Garrus, John told me you're studying birds?"

Garrus's face lights up. Beside him, Tali pours herself more wine. "Well, _nesting_ habits, specifically. I'm preparing for a lecture in a few months." Kaidan's never seen anyone other than their shared professor get interested in Garrus's thesis. If Jane's not interested, she's doing a very good job of pretending. It's probably the first time Garrus has talked about his paper to anyone who cared in months. 

Tali drains her glass. "You live in Washington," she says, maybe a little too loud. 

"D.C., yeah. I'm finishing up an internship before I graduate."

"Jane's a government stooge," John says. 

"Well at least I'll have a job when I'm finished."

"I'm going to have a job," John says hotly.

"Yeah, I was mostly talking about the _being finished_ part."

"I'll be _done_ when I'm _done_ Miss 'repeated the fourth grade.'"

"That was a clerical error."

John laughs. "You mean the clerical error where you failed math?"

"I will _punch_ you."

"How about we do some long division instead? Tali? Wanna write up some problems on a napkin?" John takes a pin out of his shirt pocket and tosses it across the table. "I'm sure you're at least a little better at now, Janey--"

" _Don't_ call me that--"

"Then _stop_ acting like you've got someone to impress--"

"At least I _care_ enough--"

"Oh my God, stop." Tali slams her hand on the table, her empty glass toppling over. "Please. You really need to stop." She rubs her temples. "I have never heard anyone fight like this. How do you have the energy?"

Jane laughs. "John never runs out of words. He hasn't stopped talking since he learned how."

"Why are you even _here?_ Why are you and your cupie doll boyfriend fucking up my life and coming into my town and ruining, like, _everything?_ " Ah. There it is. Kaidan reaches under the table reflexively and grabs John's hand, pulling it into his lap. John's fingers stiffen for a minute before Kaidan can get them to relax in his palm. 

"I thought you'd be happy to see me," Jane mutters, folding her hands over her chest. 

"I am," John admits. "I just...you're...you're a lot to compete with."

"Why are we still competing, John?"

He shrugs. "It's just what we do. We've been doing it forever."

"I think we're going to go." Garrus stands, pulling Tali's chair out for her. "Kaidan?"

"Yeah--"

John stands. "You don't have to."

"Hey. It's good. I'm gonna go home." He kisses him. "You two need to work some things out. Call me if you need a ride, but I'll wait up for you." Kaidan gives John's hand a squeeze and follows Garrus and Tali out of the restaurant.

"I'm a little drunk," Tali announces. 

Kaidan sighs. "We didn't eat."

"I would like to be more drunk."

Garrus nods. "Agreed. We're going to go get more drunk and probably get tacos. You in?" 

Kaidan _could_ go home and finish writing his paper on disruptive acid rains in sycamore growth cycles, mostly because it's due in two days. But Garrus and Tali are standing on the edge of the sidewalk, leaning into the nearest bar, probably for the first time in a while. And Kaidan can't stay away from that. He sends John a text, tells him that, if everything's good, they want both the Shepards there.

He figures it might be time to get used to it. They seem to be a package deal.

Garrus and Tali proceed to get fairly smashed on the alcohol they can stomach, which is amusing for fifteen minutes until it's definitely not. 

"Why are you here alone?" John appears behind him not long after Garrus and Tali disappear, Jane and her boyfriend trailing behind him.

"Garrus and Tali are redefining PDA."

"They're cuddling."

"I know. It'd be better if they'd just make out." 

"Yeah, you know, somehow this is worse." He goes to the bar and comes back with a few beers, settling in at the table. "So. Thane. I feel like maybe we--"

"There's nothing to apologize for. Thank you for the beer." Thane raises the bottle before taking a long drink, and that seems to be enough to clear the air. 

John grins. " _Great._ " He bumps Kaidan's shoulder. "Sorry about dinner."

"It's okay. Garrus and Tali want tacos."

"Bless them," Jane says fondly, looking toward the corner where the two of them are emerging from some strange cuddling cocoon and heading to the table. "Welcome back."

"We are very drunk," Tali says. Their combined weight and maybe Garrus's legs are the only things keeping them off the floor and still standing. 

"Make room," John says, and the two of them collapse down next to him. "You're lucky I love you both."

"Both of us?" Tali reaches around and grabs John's hand. "We also love you. Garrus, don't we love John?"

"It's our lot in life," he admits. "We love your sister, too."

"She's very attractive."

"She's sitting right there," John says. 

"Oh!" Tali looks surprised. "Oh she _is!_ Garrus, she's right there."

"I know."

Kaidan throws his hands up. "Okay, tacos are cancelled. You two need to go home. Or to Tali's place or Garrus's or whatever."

"You should just live _with_ me," Tali says, unfolding herself from the table and standing weakly in the middle of the bar. 

Garrus nods. "That's a _really_ good idea." 

"Yeah, tacos are cancelled. Let's go."

Tali scowls. "You are the _rudest_ Canadian."

 

 

 

It only takes a little prying to get it out of him. John and Jane grew up in opposites, and all the while everyone tried to make them the same. Anything Jane would do, John would do whatever he could to combat it. In the end, they made each other their own enemies, and they've spent every day since they realized it, just trying to undo that.

"Some days are easier than others," John admits. He's refusing to come out of the blanket burrito he's constructed for himself, even though Kaidan has promised him bacon and a handjob. "I'm not hungry."

"Okay, but what about the handjob?"

"You managed to get Garrus and Tali home in one piece last night, but you can't get one hand into the burrito and jack me off?"

"You'll ruin the blankets," Kaidan mutters.

"Then I guess it'll have to wait."

"You're just trying to impress me so you'll get more later."

John shrugs. "I won't say that I'm _not._ " Then: "Is it working?"

Kaidan rolls his eyes. "Maybe. A little."


End file.
